1 year…

Sorry I haven’t been around much, life has been a bit crazy. On the TTC front, not much has changed. I’m currently cd 53, with no recent ovulation that I’m aware of! I finally got the okay yesterday from my endocrinologist to increase the dosage of metformin. So, as of last night I am taking 2000mg of it. I’m really hoping that this will do the trick for me. I really just want to have a normal cycle again! I keep getting the urge to go back to the RE, but am telling myself to just give it some time. There really isn’t any reason for me to throw all our money that direction just to get me to ovulate. The fact of the matter is we just don’t know if my only tube will work! If I can get my body to ovulate on a consistent basis then at least we can try the old fashioned way for a bit. Gotta keep saving for our IVF/adoption fund.

So now for the good stuff. Today is the one year anniversary of losing my second angel… There’s so many emotions that fill my head. Of course I am sad over the loss of my sweet baby, but I think mostly I am just numb. I am angry that I’ve lost not just one, but two babies. I’m sad that it’s been a whole year, with nothing left to show for it. I think we always tend to set little goals when an anniversary comes up. First it was wanting to be pregnant before my due date, like somehow that would negate my feelings of sadness. Then of course the 1 year mark. I wanted more than anything to at least get pregnant by then. How difficult should that be?! As it turns out, I guess that its simply not in the cards this year.

Today is also a bit of a weird day for another reason. A dear friend of mine, who has struggled with infertility for far longer than anyone should ever have to, lost her sweet baby today. She went in for her first ultrasound yesterday, only to learn that the baby had stopped growing. I tend to hold a bit of jealousy for those around me that are pregnant, but there was truly nothing more I could have asked for than for this friend to finally get her angel baby. My heart is just shattered for her family. </3

Before I wrap this up for the day, take a listen to this song if you haven’t heard it already. There won’t be a dry eye in the room.

~~~~~Fly high angel babies~~~~~

October

October.

It used to be my favorite month.

There’s just something about it. Autumn colors, cooler weather, pumpkin everything! I always looked forward to its arrival…Until 2012.

October 22, 2012. That was they estimated due date for our first little angel. I was so excited to be due in October of all months! That excitement was short lived however when we learned that our baby would not be coming home with us. Ever since Octobers just haven’t been the same.  I still love all things about fall, but now I’m just left with the memory of what could have been.

 

The Rainbow Epidemic

So what is a rainbow? Well, theres the obvious… all those pretty colors up in the sky that sometimes appear right after a storm. They’re supposed to be lucky. A sign of only good things to come, or a display of hope after a period of darkness.

In the fertility community we have something called “rainbow babies,” which are the babies born after a loss. They are said to be this great ray of beauty after the storm. Often times you will hear people talking incessantly about waiting for this rainbow. Seriously, google fertility and rainbows, its EVERYWHERE!

Up until recently I was on that rainbow bandwagon as well. Every time I’d see a rainbow I’d get excited, take a picture of it, and then run home to POAS like a loon! After my first loss I joined a group of ladies online, and rainbows just happened to be the main theme. Everyone was on that journey to find their rainbow. There were close to 30 of us that all had losses within the same month. While it was such a horrible thing to go through, it was so comforting to be able to reach out to others who knew what I was going through. To this day I share such a unique bond with many of these ladies. One by one, however, the girls started to get their “rainbows.” I couldn’t tell you how many times it seemed that someone would see a rainbow, and then BOOM, pregnant. I’m sure that seeing a rainbow had nothing to do with the fact they got pregnant, I’m not that dumb, but the associations were there and it seemed to be so true for everyone else.

So what happened? I’m not really sure… It could be the fact that of those 30 women, there are 2 of us left that are actively TTC. That’s right, 2!!! The vast majority have gone on to have gorgeous babies, some even on their second since the loss! The very few that haven’t have accepted their “fate” and have found a way to move on, but I’m just not there yet (nor do I think I can ever truly give up)! I just can’t help but think, how many rainbows do I need to see before I get mine?!

Rainbows are fairly rare here (I’m talking about the real ones in the sky now) so whenever I’d see one I’d get this idea stuck in my head that it was meant for me… It’s my sign… Some bigger force trying to tell me something. But guess what? They just led to a greater disappointment.

Don’t get me wrong, I think rainbows are absolutely beautiful! I still catch myself getting excited over them and snapping a picture whenever I can, but I had to separate the real rainbows from this “baby rainbow” idea. The truth is, I’ve seen enough rainbows over the past several years they’ve simply lost their meaning when it comes to fertility and luck.