1 year…

Sorry I haven’t been around much, life has been a bit crazy. On the TTC front, not much has changed. I’m currently cd 53, with no recent ovulation that I’m aware of! I finally got the okay yesterday from my endocrinologist to increase the dosage of metformin. So, as of last night I am taking 2000mg of it. I’m really hoping that this will do the trick for me. I really just want to have a normal cycle again! I keep getting the urge to go back to the RE, but am telling myself to just give it some time. There really isn’t any reason for me to throw all our money that direction just to get me to ovulate. The fact of the matter is we just don’t know if my only tube will work! If I can get my body to ovulate on a consistent basis then at least we can try the old fashioned way for a bit. Gotta keep saving for our IVF/adoption fund.

So now for the good stuff. Today is the one year anniversary of losing my second angel… There’s so many emotions that fill my head. Of course I am sad over the loss of my sweet baby, but I think mostly I am just numb. I am angry that I’ve lost not just one, but two babies. I’m sad that it’s been a whole year, with nothing left to show for it. I think we always tend to set little goals when an anniversary comes up. First it was wanting to be pregnant before my due date, like somehow that would negate my feelings of sadness. Then of course the 1 year mark. I wanted more than anything to at least get pregnant by then. How difficult should that be?! As it turns out, I guess that its simply not in the cards this year.

Today is also a bit of a weird day for another reason. A dear friend of mine, who has struggled with infertility for far longer than anyone should ever have to, lost her sweet baby today. She went in for her first ultrasound yesterday, only to learn that the baby had stopped growing. I tend to hold a bit of jealousy for those around me that are pregnant, but there was truly nothing more I could have asked for than for this friend to finally get her angel baby. My heart is just shattered for her family. </3

Before I wrap this up for the day, take a listen to this song if you haven’t heard it already. There won’t be a dry eye in the room.

~~~~~Fly high angel babies~~~~~

Ready [or not] the holidays are coming!

Since starting this infertility journey, holidays have always been a touchy subject for me. With my first loss, the due date was the end of October. It was perfect for a newborn halloween costume and to have such a wonderful thing to be thankful for at thanksgiving. And Christmas… well, I don’t think we need to go into details there. After losing the baby I just shut down for the rest of that year. I couldn’t wait until 2013 because that was going to be my year!

Most of 2013 was spent in the RE’s office trying to get that baby. Many friends and family surrounding me went on to have babies that year, but it seemed mine would never come. In September we decided to throw in the towel for a while. We wanted to be able to enjoy the holidays without the added stress of TTC. After an INSANELY long cycle, I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant in November! Once again all my timing worked out perfect with the holidays. I was definitely thankful for thanksgiving, and Christmas I would have been past the “safe” 12 week point to announce the baby to everyone. Right away I went and found the cutest little picture frames that we would place an ultrasound picture in to give to our parents on Christmas day. Sadly, those frames are in a closet, still wrapped in the plastic bag I carried them out of the store in. I think deep down I knew the way things would turn out, but I was in denial. For those few days, I WAS PREGNANT. Nothing could change that. Only the doctor would change that just a couple short days later. So there I was just a year later, wanting nothing to do with the holidays.

So now here we are, 2014… Still no baby, still no pregnancies, nothing. We are just a few days from Halloween and I’ve yet to even buy a pumpkin. I volunteered to work on Friday so my coworker can take her son out to enjoy the festivities. I’d rather be at work rather than sitting at home watching all the pictures pop up on Facebook anyways. Looking back on the past few years, I was able to cope by throwing myself into the holiday spirit. My front porch was decked out with pumpkins and scarecrows galore, and we went to farms and corn mazes almost every weekend! For Christmas, the house looked like a christmas explosion. I spent hours working on the tree, everything had to be just perfect! This year, I’m not sure any of that will happen. I baked some pumpkin goodies today for my husbands work, but only because several people requested it. The thought of having to pull out christmas decorations soon makes me ill. Last year i volunteered to host Thanksgiving dinner this year, and now I regret that choice with everything I have! For some reason that way of coping just isn’t going to work this year.

For those reading this who also struggle during the holidays, what is your way of coping?

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October

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October.

It used to be my favorite month.

There’s just something about it. Autumn colors, cooler weather, pumpkin everything! I always looked forward to its arrival…Until 2012.

October 22, 2012. That was they estimated due date for our first little angel. I was so excited to be due in October of all months! That excitement was short lived however when we learned that our baby would not be coming home with us. Ever since Octobers just haven’t been the same.  I still love all things about fall, but now I’m just left with the memory of what could have been.

 

The Rainbow Epidemic

So what is a rainbow? Well, theres the obvious… all those pretty colors up in the sky that sometimes appear right after a storm. They’re supposed to be lucky. A sign of only good things to come, or a display of hope after a period of darkness.

In the fertility community we have something called “rainbow babies,” which are the babies born after a loss. They are said to be this great ray of beauty after the storm. Often times you will hear people talking incessantly about waiting for this rainbow. Seriously, google fertility and rainbows, its EVERYWHERE!

Up until recently I was on that rainbow bandwagon as well. Every time I’d see a rainbow I’d get excited, take a picture of it, and then run home to POAS like a loon! After my first loss I joined a group of ladies online, and rainbows just happened to be the main theme. Everyone was on that journey to find their rainbow. There were close to 30 of us that all had losses within the same month. While it was such a horrible thing to go through, it was so comforting to be able to reach out to others who knew what I was going through. To this day I share such a unique bond with many of these ladies. One by one, however, the girls started to get their “rainbows.” I couldn’t tell you how many times it seemed that someone would see a rainbow, and then BOOM, pregnant. I’m sure that seeing a rainbow had nothing to do with the fact they got pregnant, I’m not that dumb, but the associations were there and it seemed to be so true for everyone else.

So what happened? I’m not really sure… It could be the fact that of those 30 women, there are 2 of us left that are actively TTC. That’s right, 2!!! The vast majority have gone on to have gorgeous babies, some even on their second since the loss! The very few that haven’t have accepted their “fate” and have found a way to move on, but I’m just not there yet (nor do I think I can ever truly give up)! I just can’t help but think, how many rainbows do I need to see before I get mine?!

Rainbows are fairly rare here (I’m talking about the real ones in the sky now) so whenever I’d see one I’d get this idea stuck in my head that it was meant for me… It’s my sign… Some bigger force trying to tell me something. But guess what? They just led to a greater disappointment.

Don’t get me wrong, I think rainbows are absolutely beautiful! I still catch myself getting excited over them and snapping a picture whenever I can, but I had to separate the real rainbows from this “baby rainbow” idea. The truth is, I’ve seen enough rainbows over the past several years they’ve simply lost their meaning when it comes to fertility and luck.

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Murphy and his freaking law

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

That’s how I’m feeling today.

Well ok, maybe it’s not THAT bad, but it still sucks. I’ve only had a couple days of breakthrough bleeding since we stopped seeing the RE in May, but I know I finally ovulated 10 days ago (Thanks to obsessive temping and opks)!  Yesterday, at 9dpo i started to spot. Weird, but ok… Until today I woke up to the wonderful witch making her visit. I’ve never had problems with my luteal phase before, so why not now be a good time to start?! I think the most disappointing thing about the whole ordeal is now I’m right back to where I’ve been for the past few months, not having a clue when my next cycle will be! Thankfully, next week I FINALLY have my new endocrinologist appointment that I’ve been waiting for the past 2 months! My doctor thinks I will like this guy, so I sure hope she’s right. I’m so tired of this PCOS controlling my life.

So now for the icing to the cake of my infertile day. My SIL posted her Facebook announcement today. I’ve known she was pregnant (thank goodness I had a “heads up”) for several weeks now. But isn’t that just Murphy’s law for it to show up on my news feed right after mother nature decided once again that its not my turn?? For the past couple years, my in-laws have always joked that her and I would be pregnant at the same time. I never found that to be very funny, for a long list of reasons, but mainly because she’s got a little one already. I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve multiple children, I just feel that the wealth should be shared. Once I found out that she is once again expecting, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I eventually got over it, and then started to think it may not be so bad to be pregnant at the same time.. at least I’d be pregnant! Then today happened and I just feel totally defeated, once again.

I work with babies, children, and pregnant women daily. I’ve gotten to the point where I can detach and look at these women like they are just another pregnancy and not let it effect me personally (totally different from where I was emotionally 2 years ago), but family?..I just can’t quite shake it! I’m not sure what the secret is there. I love my family as well as all of my in-laws, and for the most part, I feel like we get a great deal of support from everyone. I’m just so ready for it to be our turn!

Until next time, here’s a little fertility humor for you to enjoy! d5d354e1511d6dcbacd5fab22f52343c

this is not the end!

“…Let hope anchor you in the possibility that this is not the end of your story…”

I wouldn’t be human if I said that every day was filled with sunshine and rainbows. During the time between my first ectopic and my second I went through some very dark times. Heck, I still have those days, we all do at some point.  I can honestly say though that lately I have been in a better place than I have been in several years. So what’s changed??

– I’ve reached out..I started to seek out others that I could relate to, and they could relate to me. While it was difficult to find friends that have first hand experiences, I was never afraid to tell my story. I also took a HUGE leap and started attending a local infertility group. It really brings out the reality of IF. These are real people sitting in the same room as you, and we’re all walking the same path. We can laugh together, cry together, or just sit in silence and acknowledge the fact that what we are going through is tough stuff.. and sometimes theres just no “right” thing to say!

-HOPE. This is the BIGGEST thing that has gotten me through. I realized the days that were the darkest were the days that I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. One day at a time, I started to see the bright side of things. We may not have everything that we want, but we have hope. We have been blessed in far too many ways to count, and I truly believe that the family we so desperately want will happen in its own time.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned its that we can’t be 100% in control of our destiny. That doesn’t mean I’m giving up by any means, but sometimes we just have to step outside of the box and reassess the situation…and always have HOPE…

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